How to Improve and be Effective in Relating with People

by Rick Liva, ND
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1. Be honest, authentic and candid by regularly sharing your thoughts, feelings, hopes, wants, desires, frustrations and upsets. Do this on your own without be asked. When you speak always be civil, respectful and compassionate. Speaking loud and angry causes the person listening to shut down and emotionally go away.
2. Some people do not easily express their thoughts and feelings. The reason they do not is almost not important. So, you must ask what is true for another and how they are. Ask questions to elicit specifics as to what they are feeling and thinking. NEVER EVER assume that you know what a person is thinking, feeling, planning or what the meaning is behind their behavior. Always ask about their intent, thoughts, and feelings and get the facts from them directly.
3. Work together with people you care about on creating better relating and help them manage themselves to relate better with you.
4. Being there for the other person means encouraging and helping them to fully express thoughts, feelings, hopes, wants, desires, frustrations and upsets. Demonstrate compassion, empathy and kindness.
5. Learn to be an excellent listener. Listen Well Means: 
   1. Being quiet and paying close attention when they are speaking and expressing  thoughts and feelings.
   2. Wait until they are finished before you ask questions, or respond to what they have said.
   3. Listen intently, write down key points if necessary so you will remember what to respond to; keep your mind and attention on what someone is saying vs. what you are going to say when the person stops speaking. Put your agenda aside while listening. Do not offer advice unless asked to do so.
   4. Understand what the other person is attempting to communicate by asking questions if necessary. Try to end any conversation only after each of you is satisfied that you have said all that needs saying. Allow for agreeing to disagree.
   5. Remove yourself when you get to the point of “extreme” anger or upset. Listening stops with extreme upset. Come back when you have calmed down and be willing to dialogue and express what you have to say in a respectful manner. If you leave explain why vs. just storming out. Example: I’m mad/upset and need to go and cool down.
6. Make requests of your spouse, significant other or appropriate people in your life. If they decline to grant your request negotiate with them to see if they agree with some close version of your request. Be prepared to have the other person make requests of you and negotiate with them if needed. Write down ALL promises made so they are available for review in the future and to avoid misunderstanding.
7. How to hold another accountable? If another person has agreed to grant a request of yours, get their permission to hold them accountable for keeping their promise. If the promise has not been kept simply point out that they are not doing what they agreed to do and have a conversation about that. Treat them with some compassion, love, and forgiveness. Give them 1 or more opportunities to do better the next time.
8. How to hold yourself accountable? If you make a promise to someone and agree to grant their request be willing to hold yourself accountable for following through and keeping your promise. Review the promises and agreements you made with others. If you find yourself falling short admit that to the other person and speak about it. Also, allow them to hold you accountable for keeping your promise.
9. When holding someone accountable for doing what they say they would do, do so with kindness, respect and some tenderness.
10. Regularly show/speak gratitude for having another in your life, occasionally include the small stuff they do.
11. Manage yourself so you can accept others as they are, communicate with them about changes you would like to see them make and make a request(s) for such changes. Help them work at and produce the items/behaviors they agree/accept are important for them to put in place. Accept that you may have to regularly work at this on an ongoing basis. 
12. With significant others  Work together on creating and accomplishing house projects, resolving money issues, creating joy, mutual and individual satisfaction.
13. Regularly have fun, go on small or large adventures and play together with people you enjoy.
14. Fulfill another’s request(s) of you to do some activities special to them but are not on the top of your list. Make sure you do your best to be present and enjoy the activity as best you can.

Honesty - Telling the truth, admitting wrongdoing. Being trustworthy and acting with integrity.
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Authentic - genuine, real, veritable share the sense of actuality and lack of falsehood or misrepresentation.

Candid - Characterized by openness and sincerity of expression; unreservedly straightforward. frank; outspoken; open and sincere; free from reservation, disguise, or subterfuge, straightforward.

Civil/Civility - courtesy; politeness, polite action or expression